Comedy Script Idea

Dodie Connolly, Glasgow spiv and local gangster of Irish catholic extraction meets up with Effie Stoddart, local lay-preacher to the Kirk and vehement protestant.  Despite her dislike for everything that Dodie stands for, she is completely taken with him, and the things that his status can get him.  While she protests a lot, she learns to live with the murders and beatings that Dodie doles out every day.



Episode 1 : Love is Murder

SCENE 1:
A corner grocery shop somewhere in Glasgow.  A greying man dressed in white shop-assistant coat, Eddie Mulholland,  reads a newspaper.  The headline reads ‘MUSTARD POISONER STRIKES AGAIN’  His young assistant, Joe Mackay, is serving an old lady at the meat counter.

MACKAY
(his thumb on the scales, making it heavier)
There you go Mrs. Black, a half pound of corned beef, straight off the bone.  That’ll be 80 new pence to you, seeing as you’re a regular.

MRS BLACK
Oh dear (digging in purse), these prices seem to go up every week.  Are you sure there’s half a pound there?

MACKAY
These scales have been scientifically tested, Mrs. Black, I can assure you.

MRS. BLACK
Oh I don’t know...

MACKAY
I’ll tell you what, I’ll throw in this tin of mustard we have on special this week.  (furtively turns over the newspaper on the counter to hide headline)  Have you been reading the newspapers recently at all?

MRS BLACK
I haven’t been able to read newsprint since my Willie sat on my glasses last Christmas, son.  Why do you ask?

MACKAY
Oh, er... well, they have been talking about the health benefits of mustard recently.  It’s good for your heart, so they say.

MULHOLLAND
Aye, good for stopping it.  (Mackay gives him a dirty look, but Mrs. Black hasn’t heard him)

MRS BLACK
Oh well, go on then, my Willie does like a bit of mustard on his corned beef sandwiches... Here you are, 80 pence....

DODIE SMITH enters the shop with two bodyguards.  The bodyguards scan the shop, as if for assassins.

DODIE
Put your money away Mrs, Black.  
(Sneers at Mackay)
That’s right isn’t it, Eddie?

MACKAY
Hey… wait a minute…

MULHOLLAND
(to Mackay)
Joe, son.  Go intae the back shop for a minute, there’s a good laddie.

MACKAY
But Eddie…

MULHOLLAND
(to Mrs. Black)
I’m closing for my dinner now, missus.  Please call again.  (she leaves)

MACKAY
But Eddie…

FIRST BODYGUARD
On ye go, son, before ah give ye another parting to yer hair (reveals machete under his coat)

MACKAY
Oh mammy...! 
(runs into back shop)

MULHOLLAND
So, to what do I owe this honour, Dodie?

DODIE
Eddie, Eddie… (shakes head)