TRAVELLER
Episode 1
Written by
James McGowan

SCENE  EXT. VILLAGE STREET – DAY 1 [10:00]  
A SCRUFFY MAN DRESSED IN NEW-AGE TYPE CLOTHES AND HAIRSTYLE, STANDS AT A DOOR RINGING THE DOORBELL. THE DOOR OPENS.
JOSS:
Excuse me, I was wondering if you had any odd jobs needing done, you know, windows cleaned, stables mucked out, old rivals assassinated, young ruffians run out of the village, that kind of thing?
THE HOMEOWNER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CLOSES THE DOOR
CUT TO:
SCENE  EXT. VILLAGE STREET – DAY 1 [10:01]   
JOSS STANDS AT ANOTHER DOOR, WHICH OPENS.
JOSS:
Hello sir, we’re doing some gardening in the area and our company was wondering if you had any maintenance requirements of a gardening nature? Our rates are very competitive...
THE HOMEOWNER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CLOSES THE DOOR
CUT TO:
SCENE  EXT. VILLAGE STREET – DAY 1 [10:02]  
JOSS STANDS AT A THIRD DOOR, WHICH OPENS.
THE DOOR CLOSES WITHOUT HIM SAYING A WORD.
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. CAR PARK – DAY 1 [10:15]  
JOSS WANDERS DEJECTED, TOWARDS A GYPSY CARAVAN PARKED BESIDE A PAY-AND-DISPLAY MACHINE IN THE VILLAGE CAR PARK.
AS HE APPROACHES, A GIRL DRESSED IN NEW-AGE TYPE CLOTHES AND HAIRSTYLE GETS A TICKET FROM THE MACHINE AND LOOKS FOR SOMEWHERE TO STICK IT ON THE CARAVAN.
SHE EVENTUALLY STICKS IT TO THE INSIDE OF A JAM JAR HANGING ON THE SIDE OF THE CARAVAN AS A NIGHT LIGHT.
CRYSTAL:
Hello, my love. No luck then?
JOSS:
Oh, one man down the street wanted me to come in and model some underwear for him, but I told him I was busy. 
CRYSTAL:
(SMILES) never mind love.  We’ve got another 2 hours on this ticket, but then we’ll have to move.  No more money.
JOSS:
(STROKING HORSE)   I don’t like moving old Apple on so quickly. She’s not as young as she used to be, she needs a rest, Crystal.


CRYSTAL: 
She’s alright; it’s the state of the wagon I’m worried about. Most people only have to worry about the headboard banging when they make love. This thing shakes like a rollercoaster when we get going. I’m afraid it might fall to pieces one of these nights.
JOSS:
That’s because I’m a love machine, baby
CRYSTAL:
Yes dear.  But it’s also because we’ve been on the move all summer with not a single repair stop. Joss, we all need a rest. Even love machines.
JOSS:
We’ll stop soon.  I promise.  As soon as we find somewhere nice and I can earn a bit of money.
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. VILLAGE STREET – DAY 1 [10:30] 
A WELL-DRESSED OLDER GENT IN BLAZER AND AN ATTRACTIVE MIDDLE-AGED LADY WALK ALONG THE VILLAGE STREET AND ON NOTICING THE CARAVAN, APPROACH IT.
CALLOW: 
I say, you there.  What’s the meaning of this… this... thing?  You can’t park that here you know.
JOSS:
Why not? We’ve got a ticket (POINTS) Two hours. If you’re the traffic warden, where’s your stupid hat?
PENELOPE:
They’re not doing any harm Bernie, just leave them be.
CALLOW:
Penelope!  That’s what these… people... rely on.  You wait, in an hour’s time the village will be crawling with gippos.  That’s why they set fire to old washing machines in lay-bys – it’s form of smoke signal.  I won’t have it.  Not in Hamble Beckard.
JOSS:
Look mate, this has got to be the most unfriendly village in the whole of England, so you can keep it.  We’ll be gone as soon as our ticket expires.

CALLOW:
Yes, you will be.  And don’t you think about buying another one.  Overnight camping is illegal here.  I’ll have you arrested and this death trap impounded.
JOSS MAKES A SNARLING FACE BUT CRYSTAL RESTRAINS HIM
CRYSTAL:
Leave it, Joss.  You can never win with these people.  They have the law on their side.
PENELOPE:
Bernie, just leave them be. They said they’d go, let’s just leave it there, please? Now you said you were walking me home, can we go?
SHE DRAGS CALLOW AWAY. 
CRYSTAL:
Let’s just get out of here.
THEY PACK UP THE CARAVAN, UNTIE THE HORSE, AND MOVE OFF ALONG THE ROAD
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – DAY 1 [11:00]
THE CARAVAN MAKES ITS WAY ALONG A WINDING COUNTRY ROAD.
SUDDENLY A PORSCHE SCREECHES AROUND THE BEND, CAUSING THE HORSE TO START, AND THE CART TO RUN OFF THE ROAD SLIGHTLY.
JOSS GETS DOWN AND INSPECTS THE BROKEN WHEEL.
JOSS:
Well that’s us (ANOTHER CAR BEEPS AT THEM, COVERING THE SWEAR WORD).
CUT TO:

SCENE  INT LIVING ROOM – DAY 1 [11:00] 
WELL-APPOINTED SITTING ROOM. PENELOPE IS SITTING, BERNARD CALLOW IS STANDING AT THE FIREPLACE SIPPING FROM A GLASS.
IN THE BACKGROUND, PENELOPE’S SISTER, SONETTA IS TIDYING.
PENELOPE:
I still think that was rather harsh treatment, if you don’t mind me saying so, Bernard.
SONETTA:
I agree with Bernie.  Sorry Penny.  They spoil the views.  And this is such a lovely village.
CALLOW:
And I will keep it that way until my dying breath.  We don’t want them here, let other places have a traveller problem.
PENELOPE:
I only hope that Simon isn’t being treated like this in South America.  I hope people extend the hand of friendship to him.
CALLOW:
Your son is not shoplifting or selling clothes pegs, or burning tyres in people’s back gardens.  He’s not sitting in trees, stopping roads being built.  Simon is of superior breeding, your son, the natives will be glad to welcome someone like him into their homes.  Would you welcome that riff-raff into yours?

PENELOPE:
(SHAKES HER HEAD) Anyway, you wanted to speak about my garden.  Again.
CALLOW:
That’s right.  The Golf Club treasurer has authorised me to make you a final offer of another 10% on top of the price quoted by the assessor.  Surely you must accept?
SONETTA:
That is a good deal, Penny.  Think of the money.
PENELOPE:
I am thinking of it, Sonetta.  And Lord knows we need the money right now.    

CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY 1 [11:15]
GOLFER LINES UP ON THE 10TH TEE FOR A SHOT
CALLOW:
(V.O.) Removal of that great thing and levelling of the land will strip two shots from  the 10th hole.  That’s puts our course into the bracket for the county tour.  Think of the prestige!  Surely you can see that?
GOLFER SWINGS AND TAKES THE SHOT
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. GARDEN – DAY 1 [11:15]
BALL HITS THE ARBORETUM AND PLOPS INTO THE GARDEN POND

CALLOW:
(V.O.) Your garden and that wooden monstrosity are simply in the way of progress.
CUT TO:

SCENE 10. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 1 [11:15]
PENELOPE:
That wooden monstrosity, as you call it, was built by my father when I was very little. John and I did our first courting under it.  It has a lot of memories for me.  And I won’t pull it down for your golf course.
CALLOW:
Penny, see sense!  Please!
PENELOPE:
Please go now Bernard, before I say something I shouldn’t.
CALLOW:
Very well.  I’ll see myself out.  This is our final offer, you know. (LEAVES)
SONETTA:
You know you’ll have to sell it to him in the end.  We need the money.   Anyway, why can’t you just move the horrid thing to another part of the garden?
PENELOPE:
I don’t know.  Sometimes Bernard makes me so angry.
SONETTA:
I almost choked with all that stuff about John and you two courting.  You know he hated the thing.
PENELOPE:
I know.  But don’t you know why that part of the garden sticks out into the golf course so awkwardly?  It’s because father wouldn’t sell it to them when they were building the golf course in the first place.  And I just wish there was a way that we didn’t have to.
DOORBELL RINGS
SONETTA:
That’ll be Bernie back with more even more money!
CUT TO:

SCENE  INT./EXT. HALL – DAY 1 [11:30]
PENELOPE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR TO JOSS STANDING ON HER DOORSTEP.
PENELOPE:
Oh, it’s you!
JOSS:
(FACE FALLING NOTICABLY) Oh, it’s you.
PENELOPE:
Can I help you?
JOSS:
Look, I know you don’t like us, and you want us out of the village, but we’ve had an accident with the wagon.  I know we’ve no right to ask, but if you could spare a few quid I could get some wood, and we could be out of your way in no time at all.
PENELOPE:
Can’t you call the RAC or something?
JOSS:
Er… I think I may have let my ‘knackered old wooden wagon roadside assistance cover’ lapse this year. Silly me. What was I thinking of?
PENELOPE:
Well, I’m sorry to hear about your caravan.  But I’m afraid I barely have enough money for myself these days.
JOSS:
Living in a big house like this? You must be loaded.
PENELOPE:
Looks can be deceiving.  As a matter of fact, I do have a job you could do, but I couldn’t afford to pay you.  Did you say you could repair the caravan yourself?  Are you good at woodworking?
JOSS:
Have to be, my house is made out of the stuff.  But I’d need to park the wagon on your grass, and Apple would need somewhere to chew the grass. Your friend the traffic warden might not be too pleased with you.
PENELOPE:
(SMILES) No, he wouldn’t would he?  Come in, young man.
CUT TO:

SCENE 11. EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY 1 [13:00]
CALLOW AND HIS SIDEKICK QUINCY ARE TEEING OFF FROM THE 10TH HOLE
CALLOW:
I simply cannot wait to see the back of that monstrosity.  This has always been my least favourite hole because of it.  Lord knows how many golf balls I’ve lost to it.
QUINCY:
But not as many as some, Mr. Callow.
CALLOW:
(SUSPECTS SARCASM).  Quite
QUINCY:
I must say that you seem to know how to handle the ladies, Mr Callow.  Most admirable.
CALLOW:
Yes, Quincy. I just seem to have the knack with the fairer sex, don’t you think?
HE TAKES HIS SHOT AND SQUINTS IN THE DIRECTION IT WENT
CALLOW:
Can you see it, Quincy?  Tell me I didn’t hit that blasted arboretum again?
CUT TO:

SCENE   EXT. GARDEN – DAY 1 [13:00]
THE BALL BOUNCES OFF THE GYPSY CARAVAN AND LANDS IN THE JAM JAR
CUT TO:

SCENE   EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY 1 [13:00]
CALLOW AND QUINCY SQUINTING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BALL
QUINCY:
Er… no Mr Callow.  You didn’t hit the arboretum.  You hit a gypsy caravan.  Fine shot, sir!
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. GARDEN – DAY 1 [13:10]
JOSS, CRYSTAL AND PENELOPE ARE STANDING IN THE GARDEN, INSPECTING THE ARBORETUM
PENELOPE:
You can see there’s a lot more wood in there than strictly necessary.  Can you use some of the spare to fix your wheel?
JOSS:
There’s enough spare timber there to build a new caravan never mind fix the wheel.  What was your father trying to do, build the ark?
PENELOPE:
I think he spent most of his time in the garden trying to annoy the Golf Club members.  He hated the game with a passion.  I’m sure he built this thing so big on purpose.
JOSS:
Well, I’m sure I can move it for you in a week.
CRYSTAL:
And thank you Mrs Grant, this is very kind of you.
PENELOPE:
Call me Penny, please.  And you are doing me the favour.  If Bernard has his way, he’ll bulldoze this garden flat in a day.  I’m not overly fond of it, but I would rather see it moved than broken up.
CALLOW AND QUINCY POP THEIR HEADS OVER THE FENCE
CALLOW:
What’s the meaning of this!  You again!  You are trespassing on private land, land that will very shortly belong to this Golf Club.
PENELOPE:
It’s not yours yet, Bernie.  And that’s my fence you are leaning on, so if you are going to be nasty to my guests then you can jolly well get your hands off it!
JOSS THUMBS HIS NOSE AT CALLOW
CALLOW:
Have you taken leave of your senses, Penny?  Letting these… people… camp on your land?
PENELOPE:
These people are doing some work for me, so if you insist on harassing my employees, then I will be forced to call the police.
CALLOW:
Very well.  You leave me no choice.  I’ll be bringing this up at the Paris Council meeting. (LEAVES)
QUINCY:
He certainly has a way with the ladies, indeed!
CALLOW:
(O.O.V) Come on Quincy!
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. GARDEN – DAY 4 [12:00]
THE ARBORETUM IS MOSTLY DISMANTLED.  THE CARAVAN IS MOSTLY REPAIRED.
JOSS WORKS AWAY WITH A SAW.  THE TWO DOGS ARE RUNNING AROUND THE GARDEN, AN APPLE IS GRAZING ON SOME LONG GRASS.
CRYSTAL WANDERS AIMLESSLY.
CRYSTAL:
It’s lovely here, Joss.  But I’m bored.  Bored.  Bored.
JOSS:
Why don’t you make something to eat then?  There’s a thousand quid of hi-tech cooking gear in the caravan, and you’re eating cucumber sandwiches.
CRYSTAL:
Penny keeps plying me with them.  Oh here she is again with another tray load.
PENELOPE:
Thought you might be getting hungry.
TWO PLACARDS APPEAR OVER THE FENCE.  ONE SAYS ‘NOT IN MY BACK YARD’ AND THE OTHER ‘GO AWAY SMELLY’
PENELOPE:
You know what this is.  Bernard said his piece at the parish council, but they couldn’t do a thing to move you
JOSS:
I’m really sorry about this Penny.  We didn’t want to cause you any trouble with your neighbours.  Now the wagon is almost fixed, we can leave today.
PENELOPE:
Not at all. I won’t hear of it.  It’s good to see the pompous twits wriggle.
CALLOW:
(O.O.V) Boo! Hiss!  Get out of our village, yobs!
PENELOPE WALKS OVER TO THE FENCE AND DUMPS THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES OVER
CALLOW:
(O.O.V) Dirty tricks now!  We’ll see who has the last laugh!
CUT TO:

SCENE  EXT. VILLAGE ST. – DAY 6 [12:00]
CALLOW AND QUINCY ARE STANDING ALONE ON THE STREET WITH THEIR PLACARDS
QUINCY IS EATING A LARGE HOT DOG.
CALLOW:
I give up, I really do.  Two days into our protest and our support has dwindled.  Do the people care if we become one more stop on the gipsy route map of England?
QUINCY: 
(EATING) Mmmmph.
CALLOW:
Even the rest of the golf club committee have sneaked off for a quick 9 holes, leaving us to do our duty.  And where were you earlier?
QUINCY:
I was having a quick 9 holes too.  Lovely day for it.
TWO GOLFERS PASS WITH THEIR TROLLIES
CALLOW:
Gentlemen, can I ask you to join us on our protest against the gypsies?  This is your village too.
GOLFER:
Look Bernard, I was fully behind you at the start, but you’ve got to look at these things realistically.  It’s only a couple of youngsters.
CALLOW:
That’s how it starts.  I’ve seen it happen elsewhere.
GOLFER:
Nonsense.  I say let them stay, they’re providing a useful service to the community.  Get off your high horse, Bernard.  We’ll see you later in the club house. (WAVES AND LEAVES) 
CALLOW:
Can you believe that?  
QUINCY:
Dreadful, Mr. Callow.  Simply dreadful. (STUFFS THE LAST OF THE HOTDOG IN HIS MOUTH)
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